Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
