We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She even gives head with a lisp.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
