so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
