he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize