I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
