I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
