I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
