i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
