Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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