if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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