I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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