she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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