Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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