I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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