hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
