My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize