Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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