she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
