why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
