Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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