some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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