I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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