who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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