You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm having to shit out rocks
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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