Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
