There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
