I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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