Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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