What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
