you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
