Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
