using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
