In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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