Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
