Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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