WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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