Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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