the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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