Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
