did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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