wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
