I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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