I just saw a hot homeless man
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
