Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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