Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
