that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You pole danced in your parka.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
