just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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