:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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