I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
