I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
