Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
what day is it and did you see me today?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
