girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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