the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
