He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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