I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Randomize
