That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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