I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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