Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
