Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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