Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
