I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
