ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize