Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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