I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
