this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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